Die, Downstate Scum

So hockey season is finally here again....Actually, it started last weekend, but I refuse to acknowledge regular-season games played on another continent. Or games played by the Kings in general. Anyhow...the Sabres open up tonight with a home-and-home vs the Islanders, and as a result my compatriots at Goose's Roost have declared this "Islanders Week." That's fine by me, 'cause if there's one thing I've got plenty of, it's hatred for Long Island.

Long Island.




The words themselves make my skin crawl.

As you may know, I'm a student at the University of Miami. What you may not know is that 52% of UM students come from outside the state of Florida. Probably a fifth to a quarter of UM students come from New York, and there's like three of us from the Buffalo area. The rest are from Long Island. That equals about 2,000 self-important asshats strutting around my campus on any given day, polluting it with their accents and their whole perspective on life in general.

I can't go to class without hearing two wife-beater-and-chain-wearing douchebags high-fiving about how "fuckin' sick A-Rod is bro!" I'm not even going to address that sentiment, because I don't want this to just turn into me railing on Yankees "fans."

Sports-related idiocy aside, the thing that really bothers me about the spawn of Long Island is their sense of fashion. It starts from the head down:

• First and foremost, their stupid, stupid hair.

• Staying in the cranial region, there's the matter of hats. You see, men are generally practical creatures; most things we wear serve some sort of purpose. When wearing a hat, one can wear it forwards in order to keep the sun out of one's eyes, or it can be worn backwards for a variety of reasons (keep the sun off your neck, covering up the fact that your hair is all screwed up because you rolled out of bed 12 minutes before class started and are too hungover to do much but walk and breathe, etc). This, however, is not acceptable under any circumstances. There is a generally accepted theory that one can tell if a person is a douchebag or not by the positioning of their hat. As I've used my awe-inspiring Paint talents to illustrate here, the majority of Long Island clearly falls into the "Douche Zone."

You know, I could keep going for far longer than anyone would be willing to read. Honestly though, it's Friday. I'm going to get my fill of douche-baggery wherever I go tonight. House party, Grove, whatever...I won't go anywhere without seeing some dipshits who think they're the guys from Entourage pounding Jagerbombs and hitting on fuckin' skanks.

In conclusion, Islanders fans can kiss my ass. Last week, one of them thought it'd be a good idea to assault the Sabres uniforms. First of all, it says a lot about the knowledge level of the Islanders fanbase that their first line of defense isn't even to pull out the old 80's Islanders dynasty card, but to attack your team's jerseys. Not only that, but uh...glass houses, bro. And that's not even touching on the Worst Logo Ever. Now get me some fish sticks, bitch.